WoW free weekend

Not DP unfortunately, but me. DP headed off to a mate's to LAN for the weekend. He was picked up Friday night and will be home tonight sometime. He doesn't bother contacting me most of the time when he does this, I'm not sure how I should feel about that. Especially since yesterday I messaged him saying good morning and asking if he had anything to add to the shopping list as I took the kids out. Nothing back. At all. No contact.

I love that he's getting out of the house, it's great, right. The days are great... the nights... I don't sleep well. I stay up later than I normally would and when I do go to bed I lay awake for ages fighting off the anxiety. Last night was extra bad - DD 1 was really restless. I'd drift off to sleep and wake up to her crying and wriggling. Then DD 4 got up and needed to go to the toilet. I ended up staying in bed until 8am this morning. I have so much I want to get done, I just don't know where to start. DD 16 planned to go to church today, then youth group. DS 13 wanted to go to youth group but not church, but I said I wouldn't take him or let him ride his bike later so his choice was go with DD 16 and go to church as well or not go at all. I suggested he would want to go as I have lots and lots of housework and would have him helping if he stayed home... he went. So instead of working right now I am wasting time here updating this blog. It's just that I'm so frustrated. DP finally fixed a friend's computer on Friday. Didn't take him long and he did it while playing WoW. Maybe a couple of hours. Then he's made plans to go walking on Monday morning at 6.30am. Not sure that he'll make that despite planning it with a friend, usually he comes home from LAN'ing and sleeps for 2 days. Anyway, one thing he did do was the dishes before he left. His ride had arrived and they packed up the computer and he said goodbye to me and I looked at the kitchen. Finally, after 5 years, it's set in that I want a tidy kitchen before he goes. Ok, I want it every day but I used to complain a lot about him leaving me with a messy house and 4 kids while he gets a weekend off. I still want time to myself... I wonder how long it will take him to get out of the house with all the kids and leave me in peace for 8 hours one day? He gets that most Tuesdays and Thursdays! And how does he spend his time? The same way he spends every day - online.

I wanted to stay home yesterday but DD 16 said she would cook for youth group and needed some stuff, so I took them all shopping. Left about 10.30am and got home at 1pm. I did spend some time in the afternoon trying to sort out my craft cupboard. We re-arranged the living room last week. I had to get DP to help with the larger furniture but he WoWed while I vacuumed and picked things up. The problem with re-arranging is that I am still trying to clean things up. The couch is piled up with clothes, that's pretty normal though. All the toys that were out here are still messy and need to be sorted out. And my craft cupboard had to be emptied and now I am trying to sort it out too. I'm finding things I forgot I had! I have papers everywhere, scrapbooking stickers and embellishments all over the place - I want to have them all together so I'm working on that too. Now DD 1 has come to sit with me - this is what slows me down. Why I need DP to take the kids out one day.

Last week he was annoyed because he had a phone call from his counsellor. He said she had a go at him because he didn't call last time he missed an appointment. He's asked his doctor for another referral to that counsellor, because he thought she was good. I'm not sure when his last appointment was, he said the one he missed was February. She said something about him purposely disassociating, I think that was the word. This is why I need to do this more regularly. I commented on how he's done the counselling and seeing a dietician before and how that didn't go anywhere. That annoyed him, but it's the truth. I told him it's up to him to follow through with these things, I've seen him start so much and never finish, never really accomplish much. He thinks he's come a long way... maybe he has - to him. To me the "baby steps" are a mere crawl and I can't take it much longer. I keep thinking that - I keep thinking "if we are still here in 12 months I have to leave"... but I haven't. It's been 2 years... more even. He does this little tiny bit and I think maybe there is hope, but it's taking soooo damn long! I keep thinking I am at the end of my rope but it seems there is a little bit more. Argh! I just took DD 4 to the toilet. My day gets so broken into tiny little pieces, is it any wonder I sometimes feel I accomplish so little. What a post after the one before where I did get a lot done. But that is so unusual for me. Right now I could cry. I don't know what to do, where to start. Probably the kitchen and the dishes. That's where I often start, then I run out of time to do anything else. Yesterday I did manage to tidy DP's desk. It was disgusting. I don't know how he allows it to get like that... I say and the desk I am on right now is piled high with "stuff"... at least I don't collect rubbish though. I asked DP for panadol last week, I'd got some off mum and had it in my bag until DD 1 found it, then I gave it to DP to put with some of the medication he has. It's usually in a little tool box type container. He said he "couldn't find it"... that's because he'd already taken it himself... I found the empty strip yesterday. Grrr. He tried to give me the kids stuff but I said I just wanted a pill. The kid's one you dissolve in water and TBH it tastes terrible! So I had to buy more and since the box isn't on DP's desk I'll assume he's taken it with him, if there are any left. He said his dr isn't worried about his pain killer consumption because it's not really that bad. I just get annoyed because I take it so little but whenever I want one there are none at all. That is actually why I bought the kids one too... DP won't take it. I think I need to put some in my bag though, or hide them, just for those times I'd like one. Rather like coffee, but I drink coffee more often than I take pain killers. I used to buy instant because DP was using the plunger. Then he gets lazy and doesn't wash the plunger and he's gone back to instant. He puts vanilla essence in it too, too much if you ask me. He just pours it in, so I have to hide that too. I wouldn't mind if it was the imitation stuff, but he's decided the real stuff tastes better - which is why I cook with it - but it costs $5 a bottle and he'll go through that in a week. It doesn't sound like much I suppose, but all his costs add up. He uses more toilet paper, he drinks lots of soft drink and coffee, pain killers, nose spray ($8 almost every week) and they are things the rest of us don't use. The kids sometimes get soft drink, but once a day at most, not his 4/5/6 a day. We'd save money on electricity without DP using the fan every day too.

DD 1 came over again... it's 10am and I should get something done. I've got to get the kids at 2pm and I'm waiting to see if mum will be home after that. DD 1 is looking for food or drink now too... in 2 years she will go to 3 year old kinder I think. Only a couple of hours a week but maybe I'll be able to get things done.